i have been gone for ages
but im finally getting back on track. i owe it to myself to forget you. to try and move on and keep myself happy. but theres a part of me still stuck in the last few years.
i am healing, slowly. and i dont feel anymore pain. just as long as no one says your name.
but i just cant bring myself to dismiss all that time. all those years of being broken. all the fucking and all the drugs. its like im toxic. emotionally checked out. i have to let all my baggage go. all those nights blurred by alcohol and the lonely mornings that stay with you for weeks. just move the fuck on and let the fuck go. simple.
jesus.
nothing behind those eyes
its shit that when i start to think my life is getting back on track and in order, and i start becoming self sufficient and just plain happy again, that i see you for one night and im right back where i started from.
i dont understand what it is. it could be stuff between us, it could be stuff between you and the bitch who sucks your dick. it could be anything. all i know is that i am sick of this hold that you have over me. you and her. both can fuck with my emotions and make me hurt without me consciously deciding to let you. i love y i hate you. + your girl.
my one bitch hit list.
its wierd how patterns in my relationships are starting to form. patterns in the boys that i choose and who i end up with. i dont know what it is.
friends. friends with benefits. drunk hookups. games. silly mistakes, i’ve done them all. i dont think that any of it means much but it all gets blown out of proportion. no one lets me have any fun. fuckers.
i think i am just addicted to the chase. makes it interesting when i have to work for it. maybe thats why im still hung up on that one boy who never gave into me. its happened twice in a row. we are all flirty and mysterious, then as soon as they stop let me catch them, i look for the next.
i guess if you want to keep me interested, keep running.
love that four of you made promises to eachother to stay away from me at parties. promises that you all wouldn’t hug me, kiss me, or anything more.
love that three of you broke this promise within the next 5 days.
what is it about me. turning boys to men, and then back again. no matter how hard i try, they always turn back again.
